The Grass Is Dead!

So I had the pleasure of replacing my radiator this weekend. I initially planned to kick back and relax, get some writing done and just take it easy for once. It seemed that the automotive repair god (Murphy Gremlin) had other plans. 

The radiator in my jalopy developed a nasty leak and I damn sure do NOT take my vehicles to any mechanic shop where a certified professional with all the latest tools and diagnostic equipment can perform the work needed. No way!

I’m a total cheap-ass and chose to shop around for the necessary parts before settling on an Amazon Prime special. $70 vs $170 from my local parts place. Fed-Ex soon dropped this off on my porch, rang the doorbell, and I am NOT kidding, was back in the truck, and entering fourth gear before I could make it across the living room! Wonder why the hurry? (See pic).

Miraculously, the actual part inside was barely scathed. I had to straighten one aluminum rail. Boy if this was the worst of my problems, I will be alright, I thought optimistically. Time to get started.

I light-heartedly and even enthusiastically disconnected, drained, flushed and removed the old radiator. Less than an hour in and I was rocking along! Hoo-yeah! New radiator dropped in!

So I had all the water hoses connected, fan shroud attached, and was installing the last of two transmission cooling lines. I was sailing through this project and thinking that I was doing pretty damn well so far! Of course, I knew better than this, because after all folks, this is me! Here’s where you’ll wanna pay attention.

The very last hose fitting on the metal transmission fluid line that had to be connected to this pretty new radiator was the wrong damn size! After about two hours’ worth of flushing old radiator and engine, removing said junk radiator and installing the new one, I then had to reluctantly and very angrily remove the radiator again so that I could salvage the correct fitting from the old radiator! This sucked DONKEY balls!

I finally had what I needed. I was very tired by now, but I valiantly re-installed the new radiator, and filled the thing with coolant. After checking everything, I buttoned it all up for the night.

I took the kids to school the next morning and upon returning home, I smelled the suspicious and all too familiar essence of antifreeze. WHAT. THE. HELL?
I spied with my overly tired eyes, a ginormous-ass green puddle under the front of the engine!

“Well damn.” I said aloud, while thinking in my head “MOTHER-FUCKER-SONOFABITCH-SHIT!!!

I opened the hood, methodically followed the drips and located that smelly, green river emitting from the under-side of the water pump.

Now, I have had experience with this exact situation. In the interest of full disclosure, I used to work as a mechanic. I have turned wrenches since I could hold them. I have built, torn up and re-built engines, suspensions, drive-trains and everything in between. So naturally, I listened to my gut instinct. That lying bastard told me that the water pump took a shit. Likely because of the recent heavy flushing, probably causing sludgy gunk to break loose from the water jackets somewhere inside the dark depths of the engine block. He was extremely detailed and absolutely adamant! This surely caused a catastrophic failure of the one fucking moving part of the only goddamned component left (that hadn’t been recently replaced) of the entire cooling system!

So after another trip to the local parts place, I soon had a shiny new water pump.

After all this effort, trials and tribulations, I had everything disconnected and ready to remove the old water pump. Except the final, lower radiator hose…which is the hose that connects to the water pump. THIS ASSHOLE OF A HOSE CLAMP WAS LOOSE!

HA-HA! Very funny! Eat a fancy platter of dicks Murphy Gremlin! The jerkiest of all karma gods!

Apparently, I was too rushed in my final pre-flight checks the previous night, I missed a hose clamp. Said hose clamp was tightened extra-fucking tight, just for good measure.

People, this is why you check and double-check your work. Or just hire a pro. Whatever. It’s done. I will be returning the unnecessarily purchased water pump tomorrow. Just wish I could get a refund on all that wasted time.