The Grass Is Dead!

I was always suspicious that my kids were weird, but now I have confirmed this shit. My own fault really. I’m pretty sure it comes from my parents.

I walked into the kitchen a while back and witnessed what I thought was a sweet moment. I observed my daughter (Maggie) standing and staring into space, possibly day-dreaming. Nope. I soon realized this child was eating cat food! Let me reiterate that… she was actually eating cat food!

Doing my absolute best to hold a straight face, I asked her why I saw her put kitty kibble in her mouth. She matter-of-factly stated that she was curious. Cool. Experimenting with your taste buds. I can handle that.

About 30 minutes later, I strolled into her bedroom to ask her about something (probably where the kitty kibble was, I don’t remember). What I saw next worried me. She was dropping a pinch of fish food (the flaky kind) on her tongue. What in the actual fuck?!

“Hey girl, whatcha’ doin’?” I managed calmly.

She already knew where this was going. “I wanted to see what fish food tasted like because it smelled soooo good, like shrimp.”

“And what did you think?” I asked trying to remember the number to poison control (you know, just in case).

“Eh. The cat food tasted way better. This stuff tastes nothing like it smells.” She lamented with the sophistication of a legit food critic.

I just managed an exasperated “Ah, okay” before walking out.

In hindsight, it’s really awesome that my kiddos think outside the box. I hope they never stop. I just struggle to understand their methodology.

One day leaving the house, we saw a larger than usual grasshopper on the sidewalk on the way to the car. It was deader than Han Solo (spoiler alert) and was in the process of being devoured by a clump (is that a technical term?) of scavenger ants. I pointed this scene out thinking this would be a good “natural order of selection” lesson. “Look at those ants eating that big grasshopper.” Sweet little Jake says “They’re having a birthday party and pretending he is the cake!”

Right… so I still have a bit to learn about how these kids’ minds re-order logical information to make total sense to them. I wish now that I had paid more attention in those child psychology courses that I regretted signing up for in college.

Writing this has shed light on an obscure corner of my brain now, and I was just thinking about the time Maggie wanted to morph into an animal, but instead would have to settle for the potential to hover. Allow me to elaborate.

The following conversation between Maggie and Jake was overheard recently without their knowledge. I was passing their room briefly so I do not know the context, and frankly I’m not even sure I wanted to know at the time.

Maggie: “Ugh… when are you going to invent a serum that will turn me into into a fox? Can you even do that?” 

Jacob: “No, but I can invent one that will make you hover.” Not even missing a beat, this dude replied expertly and nonchalantly! I wish I had that confidence when it comes to stuff that I actually know!

What in the hell have my kids been up to? I love them more than anything but where do they get this stuff? I seriously have to spend more time spying on them! I started thinking about all the crazy stuff they say and do, it’s no wonder Jamie says they are both just like me… I’m starting to see her point.